"My dad used to say that the safest place in a Mini-bus was towards the back because if you ever had a crash it was always the people in front who finished up worse off. So you can imagine my thoughts as we were on this trip to London last year and I was in the front seat behind the driver as we belted along the M1 at night doing fifty in the inside lane. My dad’s words were ringing in my ears. And then we had this crash. This lorry just came up behind us and thumped us one. The four people in the back were all killed instantly and those in the middle seats were pretty badly smashed up but are more or less all right now. But apart from a couple of bruises I was O.K. Strange when you think about it. It didn’t seem right, somehow. Why did nothing happen to me? Somehow it didn't seem fair. I felt horrible for a long time afterwards. And to be honest, I still do. Though it’s not as bad."
 
(Emma. Sheffield. November 2001)
 
 ‘When troubles come....’
 
I can remember that whenever two bad things happened close together in our family my Auntie Alice would always say "I wonder what will be number three". And she would go to great lengths to see if in fact there had been a number three which she had not noticed. And if she found it, like the woman in the Gospel who found the lost coin, ‘there would be great rejoicing' and she would be able to go to bed in peace.
 
 One is enough
 
Funny, really. Bad things happening in threes. But when we talk of good things, then just one will do. And even that sometimes can make us feel guilty.
 
 Why me?
 
I suppose, to be fair, what I’m talking about here is not so much something good that that happens to me but rather something bad that happens to other people - when it could have been me. And sometimes we get to thinking that it not only could, but maybe should have happened to me. Like Emma in the Mini-bus who really seemed to be in the most dangerous seat. Yet she finished up all right.
 
 Not just hypochondria
 
We hear a lot about it nowadays with regard to people who survive a plane crash or who are the only one in their group who doesn’t get meningitis, and things like that. And we are not just talking about life-threatening situations but also less serious things like flu or measles. We wonder how we missed out when everybody else seems to have fallen victim. And we even start looking for spots. I mean that might be just hypochondria but I reckon it might be something else.
 
 An easier option?
 
So why is this? Why do we feel guilty when things turn out good for us? Are we natural pessimists or is it just that we can cope with sadness better than we can cope with happiness? I know a lot of priests who prefer to do funerals rather than weddings. Is it that with a bad thing we feel we just have to put up with it and see it through? While looking for reasons and wondering what we have done to deserve it. Whereas with something good we have to react in some way. A kind of responsibility to do something about it. Maybe that’s a bit simplistic. But I wonder?
 
 Maybe no answer
 
There must be some reason for this though. I wonder what it is? I am inclined to think that very often the root of this thinking about why them and not me is something we will never fathom out. It just seems to be the case. Why I am so lucky? Why didn’t it happen to me. Why them and not me? We will never know. Maybe it has something to do with my lack of self confidence. Something to do with the poor image I have of myself. Not worthy and all that. I don’t know. Only we know how we stand on those things.
 
 Could it be God?
 
But without getting too heavy, I wonder if it could have a bit more to do with God than we realise. And not just in the ‘well he created it all’ kind of thing but rather in the ‘he is my own personal God’ kind of thing. Perhaps it could be to do with my lack of confidence in God. My God. With the lack of a good image I have of a God who says he is a personal God. My God. The God who knows me by my first name. And uses it. Maybe I’m not completely convinced of this.
 
 My God?
 
In 1985 I worked in Africa for a few months. In Cameroon, which was a fairly young Christian country. People used to say that the Christians would go to Mass on a Sunday and to the witch doctor on a Monday. I often wonder whether I am a bit like that myself. I pray to ‘Our Father’ on a Sunday and then live as though what happens to me for the rest of the week is all down to luck. Chance. Coincidence. Maybe I cannot take it in that my God isn’t just a one day a week God. That he has such a personal interest and concern for me. That circumstances and happenings and occurrences that go on all around me don’t just happen and don’t just occur. But they are actually there for a reason. To influence me personally. Maybe I cannot accept that a personal God would do that. Be so personal.
 
 Look behind the storm
 
O.K. we can say that one person's necessary rainfall is another person’s ruined holiday. That a win for my football team is a loss for yours. But I think we also need to look behind these things. What effect do they have on me? What effect are they meant to have?
 
 To and For
 
Why can’t I accept that God, my God, is interested enough to make sure that certain things do happen for me. And not always to me. Good things and bad things - for my good.
 
No man is an island, but......
 
I am not sure it is all that helpful talking about things that happen to others and do not happen to me. Yes, for sure we live in a community and ‘no man is an island, entire in himself’ and we need to be concerned about others, especially in so far as they give a reason and a meaning to my own life. But basic-root-down-bottom I wonder whether it does me any good comparing what we call the good and bad fortune of others with what happens to me. Wouldn’t it be better to regard everything that happens to be for my own good and growth? And for the good of others through me. My own progress as a human being. My own value as a Christian, living the life of a Christian - a life where others come first.

Mystery god

Ultimately we come down to the fact that God is a mystery and therefore we will never know the basic reasons for things. But we need to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that our life is a life lived under the influence of our God. Our personal God. In whose plan of things neither chance nor luck plays a part. But where I am asked to play a part. To live my life. Personally.